By Ravi Sinha
When God gave man the power of rational thought, he probably didn’t account for man instilling the same into animals. More importantly, cartoon animals. And while this has led to some of the greatest cartoon legends in history – Bugs Bunny and Mickey Mouse – it’s more or less caused a maelstrom in the universe of gaming. Original gaming characters, old or new, no matter what breed, never seem to benefit from voice acting and emotions. Be it in a Death Star, Helm’s Deep or that long stupid highway that never ends in The Matrix Reloaded, video game furries can’t dramatize naturally in any situation whatsoever.
Of course, some characters foul up – and some are like Sonic the Hedgehog. After gaining the power of speech in video games for the first time, not to mention relishing in human emotions like happiness and snogging, Sonic has successfully botched his entire character with every new title. That’s not to say the scenes aren’t hilarious as hell.
7. Sonic Heroes: Final Ending
Remember all those commercials from the 90′s who claim you’re not cool at all, unless you do what they do in the ad?
Sonic Heroes is your new Three Ninjas while Metal Sonic plays Transformers.
Of course, it doesn’t help that the fullmetal hedgehog imitates Darth Vader, Rouge the Bat is dressed in bondage, Shadow is a mute and the world has lost every single sane reason for living if they can voice these characters normally.
6. Sonic Unleashed: Sonic’s Werehog Transformation
What exactly is it with the Robotnik family’s fixation on large, phallic beam cannons in space? Also, please forget that Super Sonic is capable of destroying a space station with his bare hands and imagine that he’s caught with no escape. But then, the unspeakable happens.
That’s right! Sonic Team takes all creative avenues left and flushes ‘em right down the john, along with any excessive vomit incurred from binge drinking and drug abusing necessary to come up with this idea. As an odd side note, Werehogs have the powers of Mr. Fantastic!
5. Sonic Adventure: Super Sonic vs. Perfect Chaos (starring annoying crowds of supporters!)
Though I (and several Sonic fanboys every where) giggled with glee on seeing Super Sonic rendered in full 3D and part of the main story in Sonic Adventure. A couple of things were a bit off with the finale though. Besides the crappy lip-synching.
…There are really no words for this, all said and done.
4. Sonic Riders: Ancient History of the “Extreme Gear”
Refreshingly enough, Sonic Riders doesn’t try to win you over with it’s story – the comic timing is more hilarious and witty, definitely a step-up from 99.9% of all Sonic stories.
But it all goes out the window when we discover that…
What? Those Back-to-the-Future inspired hoverboards were created by an ancient civilization of thieves that suffered the wrath of God for their -
Seriously Tails? Lay off the “ancient history” and buy some porn.
3. Sonic Adventure 2: Shadow and Maria aka indirectly implied BESTIALITY
It’s not weird seeing a normal girl who’s best friend is a hedgehog…even if said hedgehog is capable of emotion, speech and bad-taste in clothing (is there a shop for those stupid gloves or what?). After all, look at E.T. and Elliot. Let’s not even get started on Battlestar Galactica’s inter-species romantic tribulations.
That is, Until said hedgehog loses her. And begins to mourn for her. Obsessively.
Maybe it’s not funny to see a hedgehog who runs like he’s skating experience internal turmoil over losing some one close. Even though he thinks about it all the time, whether a bomb’s about to go off or an enormous floating space lizard is threatening the planet. Unfortunately, the transition from misanthropy to angst continued with…
2. Shadow the Hedgehog: The Entire Game
Summing this up with the official trailer is the best idea. Every Sonic fan knows the series began it’s down-ward spiral with Sonic Heroes but the real rock-bottom remains Shadow the Hedgehog.
Never has a more concise definition of bad-ass ever been created. Shadow carries swords, bazookas and guns besides jacking vehicles to mow down enemies to the backdrop of a grunge band doing a cover of Creed for the Nickelodeon Kids’ Awards. He rasps raspier than Clint Eastwood’s best takes of Unforgiven, accentuating every line with a “damn” since all bad-asses are also apparently uncreative dumb-asses.
Moral: “Edgey” and “furry characters” rarely go together. Especially when your character’s only claim to being “gangsta” is that he’s coloured black and carries a Glock. Sonic Team has done dumber things aside from blatant stereotyping. For example, there’s…
1. Sonic the Hedgehog: Elise Kisses Sonic aka REAL BESTIALITY
Did we mention necrophilia too? Because Sonic is technically dead and all.
And what about rabies? Could you seriously just kiss any dead animal and not expect to incur some kind of disease?
In a hilarious incident, a 12-year old once wrote to EGM after the game’s release saying that the romance between a human teenage girl and a blue cartoon hedgehog wasn’t actually romantic…but downright disturbing. Welcome then to the world of adults, where you get paid to think of and produce such treats!
Any Sonic game scene you found damn hilarious? Let us know.
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