Split-Screen :: The Game-Geek’s Daily Read

No matter what the era, classics are still recognisable in the eyes of their followers…and are still called into question by some mook or another. An issue once thought as harmless becomes a flaming wreckage of ideals and mass stupidity so as to no longer warrant any clean conversation amongst fanboys. Some times, the simple act of not partaking in a classic genre or title could be a sin in itself. And other times, you could go against all common sense and enjoy some of the most mindless or unenjoyable forms of entertainment. Other such lines exist, lines one does not cross in the realm of gaming. However, these are the unholy blasphemies that a gamer must never commit, much less utter. So whether you’ve spoken or committed them, it’s never too late to repent.

You Didn’t Like Portal

A friend and First Person Shooter veteran, booted up Portal on my suggestion – and was completely baffled by it’s premise, even more so by the inability to “blow stuff up”. Out of sheer frustration, he went about shooting all the cameras to satiate his rage at the lack of live targets. So yes, there exist people who will completely ignore the brilliance and sheer wit that encompasses every aspect of this title, from the inertia based puzzle solving to the smarmy misanthropist AI, GLaDOS. Most people who enjoyed FPSes (and video games, in general) loved Portal but the majority who didn’t probably fall into the next group.

You Bought Wii Fit (How Old Are You?)

Wii Fit has sold more than 14 million copies, shattering the sales records of all the Halos, Killzones and Gears of Wars combined. Unfortunately, those who bought Wii Fit aren’t exactly a user group identified as “gamers”. And to be honest, the Wii is slowly becoming their platform to splurge on mini-game, remote swinging fantasies with an ardor best left to performing real exercise…without any actual benefits. Now, if you’re a true gamer and you love Wii Fit, then nothing less than the 9th circle of the Inferno awaits you. And no, the lack of Wii titles does not excuse you.

The Ocarina of Time is Over-rated

Reading such an headline gives one a lucid view into a web-blogger’s mind, where garnering hits in the most inane statement one can possibly make to betray their honor as a true gamer is mandatory. Nonetheless, an article did appear like this and even more appallingly, the author was adamant in proving that the Ocarina of Time’s legacy is built more on hype and yesteryear nostalgia than actual fun. Like people who don’t enjoy Portal, the above group also applies to gamers who calls any Zelda game produced under Nintendo over-rated.

You Enjoyed Final Fantasy VIII

Not that there’s anything wrong with Final Fantasy VIII. On the contrary, according to Gamespot when they reviewed Final Fantasy IX for the Playstation, it “sold the most of any game in the series” (at the time). So why is it a blasphemy to look back on Final Fantasy VIII and say you enjoyed it? Most hardcore Final Fantasy fans at least feel the game is over-rated, pointing at it’s “melodramatic” and “lame” storyline as being a serious step-down from Final Fantasy VII. On top of that, FFVIII has long been criticized for it’s complex battle system that strips away the reliance on EXP, higher levels, stronger weapons and armor, gold and what not in favour of three systems of drawing, junctioning and summoning. As if FFXII’s Gambits were any better.

Complaining About DRM to EA

Electronic Arts tried pushing the Digital Rights Management (DRM) system with Spore, developed by Maxis and Will Wright. We won’t recall the funky installation annoyances DRM exercised but even more worryingly, a witch hunt began to lock topics, delete threads, even ban forum members who brought forth troubles associated with DRM. So while officially EA was “solving” the problem, it’s admins were posting politely condescending threats towards any player from Command & Conquer to Spore who bothered criticizing their policies. Not so much a real blasphemy as one made out by EA against any critics.

Questioning Battle Cruiser 3000 developer, Derek Smart

For those of you who’ve seen him in the news for wanting to license the Freespace IP to create a new game (and later dropping the idea after some legal troubles), Derek Smart is easily one of the most controversial – and most hated – game developers ever. What do you say about a dev who goes onto internet forums and insults gamers’ mothers simply because they can’t appreciate a game with more intentional design flaws than Daikatana? The Usenet forums had enough to say, and took no exception to exposing Smart’s numerous lies and frauds, among them being his vaunted PhD degree. Smart’s final word on the matter? “Sometimes when I get online, and it’s quiet, and I see something that attracts my attention, I’ll post just to piss these guys off. That’s why I do it. Because I’m in a good mood that day, I go in there and I start trouble.” Truly a role model for trolls everywhere. And if you’re unlucky enough to even doubt what he’s been smoking, boy are you in for a world of flame.

You Haven’t Played at Least Two Adventure Games in Your Life

Another blasphemy not intentionally caused by most of today’s gamers. Even though Leisure Suit Larry: Box Office Bust is due for multi-platform release in 2009, the only good Adventure games to be released in the 21st century thus far are Funcom’s The Longest Journey series and Lucas Arts’ Monkey Island IV. Many greats have been relegated to the head-high shelf of history like Grim Fandango, Gabriel Knight, the previous three Monkey Islands, Full Throttle, I Have No Mouth and I Must Scream, Sanitarium and many more. The Adventure genre itself has since merged with several other categories like FPSes and RPGs, but pure Adventure games are almost extinct.

Passing Judgment on Duke Nukem Forever’s Release Date

There’s only one thing more tiring than passing judgment on Starcraft: Ghost’s no-show and it’s saying Duke Nukem Forever will never come out. The game has undergone an end number of transformations, engine changes and design swaps. This April will in fact mark 12 years since Duke Nukem Forever has been in development, having first being announced in 1997. However, fans (if there are any left) refuse to give up hope and will simply not accept that the king ain’t coming.

Saying You Liked/Disliked Killzone 2

Yes, that’s right. Leave aside the issue of the quality of Guerrilla Games’ Killzone 2, since in the end, it’s still extremely dependent on the player’s view point. If you liked Killzone 2, you were either chided for being a PS3 fanboy with nothing else to play or for not praising the game enough. If you hated Killzone 2 or even so much as criticized it, a tidal wave of anger not very unlike the killer tsunami of Boxing Day 2004 came crashing down on you. It has since become the decorum to not broach the topic altogether. Those who do, however, are pretty much engulfed in a Smart-style rain of flame.

You Haven’t Played a Lightgun Game…With An Actual Lightgun

The Wii Zapper is great and all but you’ve only ever really experienced a lightgun game with an actual make of a gun in your hands and not an assortment of Wiimote peripherals combined together, Voltron-style. Who could forget games like House of the Dead, Virtua Cop, Time Crisis and Carnevil with it’s manual pump-action shotgun? You can still find lightgun games at your local coin-op arcade (at least in India, since most arcades are trapped in the early 90′s) and trust us, nothing beats the atmosphere of loud, flashing light, antiquated graphics and the intense illusion of a gun in your hands.

Know of any unjust sins or blasphemies that we missed out? Let us know.