Split-Screen :: The Game-Geek’s Daily Read

Some times, when watching nightmarish cinematic renditions of long-scripted, explicit torture like Saw or Hostel, it’s enough to comfort to say, “It’s only a movie”. But when the torture is as implicit, as vilely penetrating into every aspect of all you hold sacred like Dragonball Evolution…and when you realize from the beginning that the cast and crew are serious, that what you’re watching is some distillation, never mind how blackened and muddied, of Dragonball, is when that above saying will not be enough. Due for release in the US this April but released in Japan with – no joke – Japanese subtitles, this is the apocalypse of horrific adaptation proportions. This is the vindication all bad live action video game films like Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun-Li needed, to know they are not alone and that a market exists if not in the public then at least in the fantasies of drug-addled Hollywood moguls for this bilge. Without further ado, welcome to Hell.

Goku (Justin Chatwin) is not normal, and he’s bullied at school for it (there actually is no adequate reason for why he’s bullied – or American). Luckily, his grandfather Gohan gives him a Dragonball for his birthday and ChiChi (Jamie Chung, also American and obviously coerced into this movie by Chow-Yun Fat) notices he’s more special than every one else. In between, inexplicably Lord Piccolo (James Marsters) breaks out of his 2000-year old prison to capture the Dragonballs and destroy the Earth, killing grandpa Gohan and any sense of canon within the series, and inevitably winding up the running time with an “epic” battle against Goku. And trust me when I say this is the best part of the film, because nothing is funnier than watching a white boy dressed in an orange Gi and steel boots, actually thinking he looks like some sort of martial arts master. Well, except for the skanky looking yet some how genius some how expert gun fighter Bulma Briefs. It cannot be sheer coincidence that Park Joon Hyung was in Speed Racer too, though some of his dialogue comes across for it’s crass lack of humour (“Cheese and rise, my nads got scorched!”). Let’s not mention Chow-Yun Fat as Master Roshi, his saddest role since Bulletproof Monk.

Man-alive, watching all this is equivalent to eating through a dumpster full of dead rats for the cake at the bottom, and latter realizing the rats ingested infected syringes: Long, painful, unrewarding and ultimately leading to death before the inevitable discovery that the cake is a lie (it’s actually a dead cat). Nothing from this movie appears to conform to any sense of character depth or mood from the original Dragonball. Any one could argue that the original was all about beefy young men going berserk and launching silly flashy lights and quick punches against the backdrop of large ornate balls with stars on them. But any one drawn by the magic of the series knows it’s much more than that. The charm, the emotion, the silliness, the adventure – there are few other anime or manga where you can literally grow up with a family and feel a part of their trials and tribulations, repetitive and ridiculous as they may some times be. Dragonball Evolution tries to emulate that atmosphere in much the same way Sneakers tried to emulate Metal Gear Solid. It’s shady, it’s ugly, it has no reason to exist and it adds onto the horrible adaptation with numerous plot holes, bad acting, pathetic cliches and no interesting fights whatsoever.

All throughout the experience, I kept asking myself: Why? Why did this have to happen? Why did this film have to be made? Who was the audience? A new generation of youngsters who will happily consume anything with the name Dragonball on it, much like they do for Pokemon? People who watch crappy movies for the sheer thrill of laughing at the awful efforts of Hollywood before going home and hating on Killzone 2?

This could’ve happened to numerous franchises, all less revered and easily adaptable but Hollywood chose Dragonball. This is the result, and it’s something we have to live with, like last year’s Speed Racer. At least that movie got a decent racing game for the DS. Could Dragonball Evolution perhaps shine on the PSP? Unfortunately, all the Budokai games and memorable fight scenes of the series couldn’t possibly redeem the filth that’s been captured here.