Split-Screen :: The Game-Geek’s Daily Read

by Ravi Sinha

The gauntlet has been thrown. It’s one thing when anime-loving, Snake-hugging PS3 fanboys try to call us out on our cyborg with no name, face, personality, love-life or likable traits (he only needs one – ass kicking! Yeah!!). But this is going too far. Killzone 2 is blatantly better than Halo 3? What is this? What does “blatant” even mean?  So, I’m going to do what all these so-called “journalists” deem “journalism” and do my own interpretation of “facts” using “quotation marks”! So here are my reasons why Halo 3 totally serendipitously (yeah, I can use big words, too!) beats the crap out of Killzone 2!

Halo 3 Has Hot Blue Chicks…Who Are Really Somewhat Chicks!

Have you seen Cortana? I mean, have you seen that babelicious mama sita? You’d think that Sony fanboys with all their anime obsession and otaku love would look past them JRPG she-males and savour some real booty. But no. And Killzone 2 has made it worse. What were you thinking, Guerrilla Games, filling your title with all these muscle-bound Gladiators’ rejects? Don’t you know Sony fans will look at your men and wonder, where’s the long hair, earrings and tank-tops? Don’t you know the real MAN’s system is the Xbox 360?

But back to Cortana, the reigning angel of goddesses. Her death even tops that of Aeris from “Final Fantasy-whatever-roman-numerals-are-for-chemistry-class”. How? She’s not even alive to begin with. Electronic woman in an electronic game, sucka! Even better, she doesn’t even die – she sleeps eternally! Beat that, Snow White! Her blue tanned skin and curvaceous body fulfilling all my 3D adult Smurfette fantasies. And if it doesn’t fulfill yours, you’re just a fanboy and mostly a tree-humper.

We Be the Original Nation of Domination

You know what’s the biggest problem with Killzone? You don’t know what the hell you’re doing even though it’s all blowing up real sweet (but not Halo sweet). See, Halo has direction and originality. Just like those large open levels where I have no idea where to go, be it multi-player or single-player. Immersion, jerks! Who wouldn’t get lost when visiting a new planet for the first time?!

Those aliens threatening to destroy the universe with a planet sized weapon? Halo.

Playing as a cyborg enhanced soldier who is the only hope for humanity? Halo.

Sniper rifles killing in one hit? Halo.

Vehicle sections? Operation Flashpoint technically, but Halo thought of it first, so ha!

Moving along on a fixed path because nothing will obviously happen if you go off on your own like some noob or worse, a PS3 fanboy? Halo!

Aliens taking over Earth and trying to exterminate the human race? Titan A.E…I mean, Halo. There is nothing you’ve seen in Halo 3 that hasn’t been done a million times before, only better…because Halo 3 is the best!

Realism? You Want Realism, Muthafucker??

So Killzone 2 is realistic sci-fi warfare? Realism?! Halo 3 oozes realism, and I mean literally oozes it. The rag-doll physics is so amazing that it would make any one believe that a 5 tonne cyborg could move with the grace of Peter Pan. The environments are so realistic that you’ll definitely have to agree; only aliens could be capable of coming up with architecture replete with no culture whatsoever. It’s a known fact that the monsters from Left4Dead and Half-Life 2 were inspired by the Flood. Seriously, am I the only one who doesn’t fail at life around here? What? Zom-bies? The hell are those, you kvnt whacker?

That ending where every one dies is probably the holy bastion of realism. Lots of people, even my own 360 stud muffins, say that the death of Sarge and others was too rushed and “underwhelming”. What the hell? Do people die with trumpets and horns like that Saving Private Ryan shit? Hell no! Death is boring and quick, and nothing’s more boring than Halo 3 in that department – and many others! See how much better Halo 3 really is?

Multi-player: Uuunnnnnnnnnnn

You think multi-player is so much better in Killzone 2? “Ooh, having so many players online at once feels wonderful”. Hog crap! Every one knows that the best online service is the one you pay for. Are you Killzone 2 sissies so poor you can’t afford to take your boy-friends out, let alone pay for your multi-player? Sick! Screw the cheat codes of yesteryear. All real gamers pay for their extra content. Where’re my map packs at?

Killzone 2 fails in every single department of multi-player. Halo 3 does it all better because Halo 3 did it all first. And there’s Forge…the brilliance and awe-inspiring beauty of Forge! Does Killzone 2 have a multi-player mode that’s so effing brilliant it makes no sense? Didn’t think so! Do I get that sense of accomplishment that comes from tea-bagging my own team-mate after capping his friendly-fire hatin’ ass? Halo 3 for now, Halo 3 for ever!

It’s Just…Better

Is that it? Is that the best all you Killzone 2 pansies can do? Ha, double-ha and my ultimate weapon: ROFLCOPTER! Halo 3 rules, it has always, it always will, nothing can kill it! Why? Why, you ask? Because you can’t kill what was never alive to begin with! Yeah, that’s some David Lynch primo shit for ya. Logic has officially left the building! Snap!