Split-Screen :: The Game-Geek’s Daily Read

by Ravi Sinha

It was a time when gamers were curiously scandalized by Angelina Jolie playing Lara Croft in the penultimate Lara Croft: Tomb Raider (2001) film. On one hand, bits and pieces of Croft’s character could be seen. On the other, Hollywood’s big-budget influence seeped in, reducing an intelligent series and protagonist into a ham-headed action fest. The Cradle of Life (2003) cemented this pop-culture franchise as the great leap into the jaws of mediocrity. Warner Bros. seems intent on changing that with Tomb Raider Reboot which, as the name implies, re-imagines Lara Croft’s character and origins just like Legend and Anniversary did for the game.

Whether it’ll work or not is another issue. An interesting rumour that’s been flying about is that Megan Fox (fresh off her skank turn in Transformers) will essay Croft’s role, replacing Jolie. I’m not much of an expert on women but having Fox as Lara Croft echoes nightmares of Tara Reid, the intuitive archaeologist from Alone in the Dark. Simply put: A disaster waiting to happen. With that in mind, here are our choices for a better cinematic Lara Croft – women with the inherent glamour, looks, screen presence and portfolio to do justice to the role. Hopefully, after the “dismal” performance of Tomb Raider: Underworld, the lucky lady could do Eidos a favour and edge out Allison Carroll as well.

Anne Hathaway

Birthday: November 12th 1982 (26 years old)
Born in: Brooklyn, New York

The Princess Diaries sucked. Brokeback Mountain and The Devil Wears Prada fare better star-wise but it wasn’t her stage. Rachel Getting Married – now this is where it gets good for our girl. Her biting and quick-witted portrayal of Kim ably displays her penchant for toughness, yet her looks mirror Carroll’s as the plain Jane girl-next-door. If the makers really want to start from the beginning, show-casing a younger, possibly more arrogant Lara Croft, Hathaway gets top nods. Drawbacks include: inexperience in action movies, absence of a British accent and lack of the more finely tuned “aspects” of Croft’s anatomy.

Kate Beckinsale

Birthday: July 26th 1973 (35 years old)
Born in: London, England

The countess extraordinaire. Kate Beckinsale reflects not only regality and elegance (Van Helsing) but grit and intensity (Underworld movies) when the situation demands it. As such, her brush with adventure scripted roles is great, but she also has the advantage of being born in the UK and speaking perfect Brit. Her age may seem like a knock, but remember, this is the same lean body we’ve seen less than three years ago in all it’s svelte glory. For a more faithful and darker tone of Lara Croft, reminiscent of her Underworld turn, Beckinsale can’t be beat.

Rachel Weisz

Birthday: March 7th 1971 (37 years old)
Born in: London, England

A literal goddess, Rachel Weisz has done both thought-provoking cinema like The Constant Gardener and brushed against demons glory in The Mummy and Constantine; her looks serve as a muse for American fashion designer Narciso Rodriguez. Despite turning 39 this year and being married with a son, Weisz is equipped with both the know-how and range of emotions to delve into any character, especially one as conflicted as Lara Croft. On top of that, she too is British.

Teresa Noreen

Birthday: December 22nd 1976 (32 years old)
Born in: Colville, Washington, USA

“Yowzers”, is the only reaction we can cook up after viewing Teresa Noreen’s fashion file. Appearances in Penthouse, Playboy and Maxim; personal cosplays of Tomb Raider; 34-25-35 measurements. She’s definitely got Lara Croft’s physiology down to pat. The short comings are blatant – American, no movie experience – but she beats almost all the other candidates in physical requirements. Skin is sin and sin is a win; with some training and acting skills, Teresa could be a serious contender. Then again, there’s always Allison’s job.

Shilpa Shetty

Birthday: June 8, 1975 (33 years old)
Born in: Mangalore, Karnataka, India

Shilpa Shetty was originally a Bollywood (India’s film industry) regular, not to mention a gorgeous model, until the international Celebrity Big Brother controversy broke out. After emerging the winner, Shetty has been on an up-turn, picking up interesting roles and working out her curvaceous figure. Her accent carries faint tones of British English, but more importantly, she’s flexible and well-versed in yoga, not to mention having a knock-out figure. We know there’s a low chance of her being selected with her Indian looks, but hey, she’s got it and knows how to flaunt it.

Any other choices for Lara Croft not on this list? Let us know. Angelina Jolie and skankity slut-slut…er, Megan Fox, would be grateful.