Split-Screen :: The Game-Geek’s Daily Read

by Ravi Sinha

Abandon all hope, ye who enter here. Because if there’s one thing that’s sustained the test of time and masochistic nostalgia, it’s video game commercials. No, we’re not talking about whiz-bang splendor cut and crafted to provoke a game purchase. We’re talking about the real-world of gaming commercials. You know, ads supposedly meant to appeal to Gamers©. Ads created to entice – and totally mislead – the public. Ads that try to be clever and end up being banned (or worse, not funny). And finally, ads that serve no other purpose than inducing mass suicide among die-hards and common folk alike. You’ve been warned, but then, Link totally busting a groove IS hard to resist.

Legend of Zelda: A Link to the Past Japanese Commercial

Watch here

The evil Ganon is menacing Hyrule. The solution? Dance. That doesn’t quite explain why Taron and Aghanim are also getting down with Link but with a Lizalfos soldier also in the troupe, we’d guess the break from canon is the least freakish thing going on. Why is Link played by a girl? Why is Zelda dancing like a stripper in her cell? Why does a man speak out her dialogue? Has Michael Jackson been totally served?

PlayStation Portable US Commercials

Ever wonder why Sony doesn’t market LittleBigPlanet or Killzone 2 enough? Not only do they not have the most “approving” history of marketing but for some reason, all the ad gurus they hire seem to be either extremely stoned…

…Or splatter-fest addicts, eager to deliver their own visions of sadistic punishment to the small screen in hopes of scoring a spot in the Saw 6 cast.

Microsoft Xbox and 360 Commercials

As LSD-influenced as Sony’s commercials come off, Microsoft does it different. Rather than freakish, they seem intent on proving their tasteless quotient. Oh look, isn’t a fetus traveling half away across the world and growing old just dandy?

But not quite as dandy as seeing a bunch of grown men and women playing with their fingers. It looks lamer than it sounds, trust us. We can understand the Xbox ad being banned for its opening scene but this one? Hmm, maybe they were worried people would see the Fingerbang connection! Ha ha…Please kill me now.

Biohazard 4 Wii Edition Commercial

Oh hell no. There’s just too much wrong with this ad. Firstly, it captures the age old cliché of “I’m pushing buttons!” “That’s so cool!” Secondly, it takes the action out of the game and into life (nerd levels approaching critical), with apparently only one bullet required to take out the Village Chief, should he come to kidnap your girl. All these actions are meant to correlate with Resident Evil 4’s knight in shining Kevlar rescuing the damsel in distress, besides hinting at possible romantic liaisons. Forget that Ashley’s barely legal – it’s so romantic!

We’re not at all surprised the guy aimed at the girl for more than a second. But perhaps we expected too much when he finally pulled the trigger. Oh well. As nerdy as this seems, nothing can dethrone the king…

The Legend of Zelda NES Commercial

Check it dawg! You like that Zelda shit, flap jack patty whack-a-flack?? Spin that hizzy halfway between Harlem and Hawaii for them dolla dolla bills, ya’ll! It’s the Legend of Zelda and it’s really rad! Yo, those creatures from Ganon are pretty…

You really don’t want to know the rest. That is, if you’re sane (the opposite of L33t, yo!) enough to not watch the full commercial. Nin-tense? More like Nin…(vomits)

Seen any video game commercial that’s stayed with you till this day, like a mental scar from childhood? Feel free to share. Suffering loves company. Especially the MNCs.

(Thanks to Slackerz for the link and retarded gangsta verse)