by Ravi Sinha
For those just tuning in, game development has recently devolved to a new level of torment which no longer involves driving your staff like a machine and yourself like a slave. BeyondtheLimitation, a linkshell or online clan devoted to MMORPGs, famous for defeating Absolute Virtue in FFXI in about 18 hours have apparently met their match. Their opponent? Falling traffic for the online fantasy epic, which prompted Square-Enix to add the new Pandemonium Warden to the game.
Even after 18 hours, the boss battle saw no end in sight for BtL, with several of their players falling sick and vomiting. Of course, no insult is complete without fitting injury. Sylphet from BtL, after taking on another boss that undoubtedly caused maternity officials to collapse laughing at their naming, says the developer should think real hard about their pre-game warning that states, “We have no desire to see your real life suffer as a consequence. Don’t forget your family, your friends, your school or your work.” Maybe they left out, “and your health” on purpose.
How long is too long for a boss fight? Take a look at some of these beings of supreme mortality who forget to include dying gracefully to their resumes.
Demi-Fiend, Shin Megami Tensei: Digital Devil Saga (Atlus, Playstation 2)
Quite frankly, a boss who could cause 10,000 damage with a single technique (Gaea Rage) on characters whose max HP can’t exceed 999 is downright mean. Having that same spell activate automatically simply because you have (even if you don’t use them) any Repel, Void, Null or Drain spells is obstinately rude. But then giving this same boss 18,000 HP, a bevy of six demons that counter every attack on him alone, heal him completely after a
collective group counter of 30, heal him completely if you even knock off half his health, and if that weren’t enough, his annoying habit for criticals? That’s the Demi-Fiend. Saying it takes a long time to beat him means to know the exact definition of “gutted controllers”.
Ramirez, Skies of Arcadia (Overworks-Sega, Dreamcast)
“I’m going to, like, cut up you whole party with a non-magic special move if you have magic shields up and insta-kill them all if you put up damage halving shields instead, so, like, waste two characters on defending alone. I’ll also regain health after a while, just as a heads-up. Oh, and only one attack has enough power to damage me (i.e. Pirate’s Wrath), so waste all your SP saving up for that. That way, you can cause ‘x’ amount of damage after three turns and I can heal about ‘x divided by 2.5’ after three turns. I’ll also morph into some annoying god-like being, and you’ll have to do the whole ‘saving-SP-for-super-attack-that-causes-pitiful-damage’ routine again, only… longer. Oh, and I’ll come back again to fight you, being able to take control of your party members, using insane attacks and then being the prelude to a disappointingly short ending. Enjoy.”
Quote the albino douche nevermore.
Omega Weapon, Final Fantasy VIII (Squaresoft, Playstation)
Witness the origins of this JRPG developer’s flirtatious fling with long annoying boss fights! Omega Weapon carries, oh, “???” health (most estimates put it at <strong>750,000+ HP</strong>, can absorb all magic attacks and is an overall jerk who can’t stop casting Terra Break for 15,000 damage when he’s not annoying you with developing counters and counter-counters.
Better have those Holy Wars and Hero Drinks ready (all 10 and 100, respectively) if you don’t want to <em>thoroughly</em> punish yourself. Unfortunately, Square’s annoying tryst with long boss fights was still in its infancy here.
Shinryu, Final Fantasy I&II: Dawn of Souls (Sqaure-Enix, Gameboy Advance)
Hate this bastard, period. It’s not the 35,000 HP that will miff you but his high attack and accuracy. Translation: He’ll hit you hard and he’ll never miss. Don’t forget to dedicate two (out of four) members to healing, since he can kill within less than two turns with Flare, Icestorm and Thunderbolt. Oh, and do walk in with at least a level 80 party.
Black Mages and Red Mages not allowed, since spells do little damage to him. Did we mention he was the toughest boss from Final Fantasy V and he’s weaker in this game? This battle is a long-haul, and unlike most other long-ass battle rewards (I’m looking at you, Proof of Omega), the Ragnarok is the strongest sword in the game, so it’s very much worth it.
The Dragon, Tomb Raider 2 (Core Design, PC/Playstation)
Simple word of advice: Pull the damn dagger out. Any other modus operandi for ending this battle is your FUBAR mess.
Omega ID, Xenosaga (Monolith Soft, Playstation 2)
Notice how all the team-killing jerks have Omega in their names? This battle is particularly painful, since you must face Omega Universitas first. Omega ID’s attributes change each turn, so he could be an immovable rock one second and an unstoppable force in the next (or God forbid, both).
Not a single one of his attacks cause less than 10,000 damage, at his base stats, with his highest attack causing about 40,000 damage to each party member. And then there’s the excitement-killing 999,999 HP meter. Which, in that case, makes him a real close friend of this guy…
Xorn, Grandia III (Gamearts, Playstation 2)
You’d expect to come up against something on the level of clever, annoying, challenging and when all was said and done, disappointing, Valmar/Zera of Grandia II. But what’s doled out instead? A boss with powerful attacks and 999,999 HP exactly named Xorn. It seems like that little dragon orb attack that stops enemy actions for several turns finally found its true place in this battle. Oh, and don’t worry about finishing him using tact. Simply have all (yes, all) of your party members cast Galactic Bang on Xorn’s stationary… shape. A boss battle that’s monotonous, long, and truly sad in its executions. Lunar DS says, “Hi”, Gamearts.
Dullahan, Golden Sun: The Lost Age (Camelot Software, Gameboy Advance)
Hey, it’s the headless horseman from Sleepy Hollow! He’s surprisingly buffed up in The Lost Age, as the guardian of the most powerful summon, Isis. Besides regenerating 200 HP (total HP being 16,000) and 30 PP each turn, Dullahan gets three turns, can assassinate you’re whole party with a single physical attack, and has supreme control of Charon — that colourful summon of yours that can instantly kill several of your party members in the hands of El Headless. Extreme ruthlessness and annoying quickness usually means you could die before even shaving off the first 1000 of his health. For a handheld boss, Dullahan still occupies a hated place in my gaming heart.
The Colossi, Shadow of the Colossus (SCEI, Playstation 2)
This game was nothing less than a boss-battle marathon. It’s hard to point exactly which of these titanic figures of stone and earth can took the longest.
Most times, it takes a while just to find them, to mention the difficult jumping puzzles, powerful strikes, careful positioning and camera problems that must be kept in mind with each encounter. Some careful advice near the end: the sword is a lie.
There are undoubtedly several other long boss battles out there. What’s your particular pick? Let us know, and help stop vomiting amongst dexterous gamers everywhere.
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