Split-Screen :: The Game-Geek’s Daily Read

by Kashif Ali

I was thinking to myself, wouldn’t it just be the shit if I wrote this review as a tribute to Memento (all rise) and had all you oxygen wasters going ape shit trying to figure out what the hell I was going on about. But then I thought some more and it just didn’t seem that funny anymore. Wouldn’t want G cursing the day he asked me to come on board.

So, in the interest of being civil and as normal as strait jacket typing and padlocked thinking will allow, I will get into the bizzareness of reviewing the first season of RvB, in sequential order of course. I might meander and say things I’m not supposed to but that’s just the Pentothal talking. Honest.

As we walk the plank of understanding, approach the edge of sanity and look below at the sea of uncertainty, ask yourself this. What came first, in the context of existence, consciousness, etc etc? The ‘why’ of “Why are we here?” or the ‘what’ of “What are we?” You might want to ask yourself the why-chicken-crossed-road-but-didn’t-fly-to-the-odda-side question while you’re at it.

Questions such as these, minus the chicken migration one, form the crux of the opening scene of episode 1 (not counting the trailer and episode 0), where we are introduced to Grif and Simmons of the Red Team. Simmons wonders why they are here, here for him means the canyon, Blood Gulch. However, Grif goes all Dawkins on his ass and launches into a heartfelt speech about how these soul searing questions keep him up at night. Welcome to RvB folks. It only gets scarier.

On the other side, we are introduced to the resident peeping tom, Church and his mostly able sidekick, Tucker. It’s quickly established that Church is the only suit with brains and Tucker is a child inside a suit inside a videogame. Cut back to the Red base and we are introduced to the roar of Sarge. Episode two is an ode to the birth of RvB, where the whole puma-warthog story is played out. Sarge gives Grif the verbal flaying he so doesn’t deserve and Simmons continues to burrow himself further into the Sarge’s cavities.

The third episode sets the ball rolling with the introduction of the rookies, which includes Sheila, my-what-a-big-canon-you-have, the tank. The Red Base gets Donut and shows their approval by sending him on a grease finding mission in futility, while the Blue Team welcomes Caboose and Sheila. Sure enough, chaos ensues and pretty soon Church’s girlfriend is being called a slut, Caboose hands over the team flag to Donut, who then has to dodge Church bullets and finally ends up being cornered by Church and Tucker.

Tucker has a lapse of common sense, as is inevitable and insists that he’s traveled back in time (teleporter madness) and is now face to face with a younger Sarge (private to be exact). Not to be left out of the melee, Grif and Simmons drive up in the Warthog and nudge Church and Tucker to safety with the mounted chain-gun gently coaxing them, all in the interest of saving Donut.

Subsequently, two important events occur, namely, Church is killed by Caboose who can’t get Sheila to stop shooting and then Church comes back (eat that Blaine!). Sheila politely gets bombed to Tank heaven and the Blue Team gets in touch with command center and get Tex, a mercenary (and the second important event), for support. Before Tex arrives, Church comes back to tell his mates that Tex is bad news and they should be wary of him. Enter Tex and before you know it, Caboose is being used by him for target practice, while the warthog-puma, which got shot on to the top of the base (??), gets some lovin’ from Lopez (the Spanish speaking robot).

Soon enough we see why Tex is bad news as he takes on the Red base, slaps a grenade onto Donut’s head and bitch slaps Grif and Simmons. Bitch slapping by a soldier of the Special Ops team?! The horror and wussnesque of the situation! But wait… as it turns out, Tex doesn’t have a wiener and is actually Church’s ex girlfriend, who much to her surprise, gets caught by Sarge and Lopez. No point to anything in life I say, unless at some point someone pretends to be another gender or species altogether, with or without their own knowledge.
What follows is the emancipation of Tex, the return of Caboose to form with shooting the Sarge in the head while Church was the resident possessor of said body and then a scene in Halo heaven. Death can’t be far behind freedom and the series ends with Tex dying (Donut pulls a fast one) and Caboose being uncharacteristically ominous. A couple of things happen in between which demand watching and not recounting.

All in all, a series which, apart from bringing widespread attention to the Machinima world, delivers on all counts of entertainment and ingenuity. RvB covers it all and then some and in the process proves that it just might be the blueprint for future corporate houses. How so? Well, with everything from showcasing team spirit, for e.g. Caboose being called a team killing fucktard, to being an equal opportunity employer (Sheila), to the unmitigated dedication to work (Church coming back from yonder grave), RvB just rewrote the HR management book. Nonetheless, it just gets more deliciously demented in the second season. Glee.