by Kuriakose Saju
8 am: Morning finds me with a headache, whereas last night had found me molesting mushrooms with Luigi. I think at some point we wandered over to Peach’s palace as well, thanks to Yoshi and his fetish for midnight walks. Luigi, as usual, told me to head on home after we were done squeezing out fireballs from the roof (Yeah. Fireballs, baby! It’s like having firework guns stuck into our arms! On account of being videogame characters and all that).
I think he’s seeing one of the palace maids, might even be dating her. I, on the other hand, need to get over to a client’s place and fix his pipes… pipes at his place as well… ermm.
Moving along. When Bowser’s running around trying to raise hell, everyone’s like, “Where’s Mario? Only he can save us!” And the moment the job is done, what do I get? A cake. A CAKE!?!?! Here I am, running around, jumping over pools of lava and fighting this crazed dinosaur and the Princess gives me a cake!? Guess we know who’s stuck in the wrong job, eh?
11 am: Okay, the pipes have been fixed and the client seems suspiciously happy. I guess that leaves me a bit less cranky now. Morning blues and mushrooms, like peas in a pod. I tried going without them for a while, but next thing I know, Bowser has the Princess captured and all the toadstools trapped in tiny eggs. A tad dramatic if you think about it. So what choice did I have, mate? I’m just a plumber and need something to flow through dem pipes! Maybe if I popped a mushroom right now, the headache would go away. If it doesn’t, well then, nothing a mushroom omelette won’t fix!
1 pm: Whoa man … I can see Koopas flying all over the place (And that’s NOT the mushroom talking!). I guess it’s up to me to become SUPER Mario (sigh) and blast these goddamn turtles into pixel oblivion. Take that! Yeah, that’s right! Biff! Thud! Boom! — Pat pat.
3 pm: Turns out Bowser is up to his old antics again! A probable glitch in his programming I suspect. After stomping my way through thirty Koopas and about 25 Goombas, I managed to get to Toad. He tells me that while Peach was sunbathing on the palace terrace, (Yowza!) Bowser swooped in (as usual) and took her away (as usual), in just her skimpy two-piece (not all that usual). And as the super, duper plumber (??), I’m the only one who can save her! I’ve always wondered why that is? Let’s do the math here. She’s a princess. Wouldn’t you expect royalty to have some sort of army? Why am I always the one entrusted with the role of guarding her chubby body? Guess there’s no point to cribbing now. I must do what Nintendo wants me to do. But more specifically, a plumber’s got to do what a plumber’s got to do. Besides, she’s in a two-piece this time, and maybe, we might just get beyond the two dimensional pecks on the cheek. Boy’s beginning to wonder if he’s liked at all!
11 pm: Phew! So, after eight hours of levels and then some, of flying koopas, big bad boos, grunting rocks and molten lava pits, I finally managed to beat Bowser senseless. I think three is his unlucky number… somehow, every time, I just have to bonk him three times and it’s nappy time for Dino-boy. Now, all I have to do is run up this staircase and seek my royal rewa… WHAAA ?! Luigi? Peach? How did he get here? And what he’s doing on top of the princess? Goddammit! I’ve been busting my chops all day only to find my brother sneaking around behind my back, just to get on my girl. That explains all the friendly pecks on the cheek. That’s it! I didn’t sign up for this back in ’83! I’m heading back to my pad. A couple of mushrooms should help me forget all this ever happened! Sometimes, I feel like I’m on this endless mushroom trip and they always turn out bad, what with Bowser hardly putting up a fight, my brother jumping on my woman, to say the least .
Now, maybe, if I tried pot … hmmmm
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