Gaming franchises are a funny thing, in that they sanction products so terrible they aren’t funny by a long shot. In our last part, we covered the failings of Devil May Cry, Mario, Zelda, Panzer Dragoon and Castlevania.
We continue our coverage of some truly awful offerings made in the name of the games we love.
Also, a look at a 14-year old franchise littered with nothing but failings and half-hearted efforts. Things in the light of fame are surely not the same in the darkness of negligent money-mongering.
Final Fantasy (Square-Enix)
Besides questioning how a game with the word ‘Final’ in it could have so many sequels, Hironobu Sakaguchi’s magnum opus has been through it’s fair share of embarrassments. It first began with the progressive Final Fantasy: The Spirits Within, the $160 million CG extravaganza. Unfortunately, fans were disappointed at the lack of any direct resemblance to the series and ordinary movie-goers found the spiritual/technological theme confusing. This was the exact reason why Squaresoft merged with Enix at the time — the movie bombed, earning less than $20 million worldwide.
Even before The Spirits Within, Squaresoft contracted anime studio Gonzo to produce an anime called Final Fantasy Unlimited. A complete lack of originality, poor quality and once again, absolute absence of any major FF characters or events had this fantasy mostly limited to a Japanese audience… and to only one season.
The Square-Enix developed Final Fantasy titles were, for the most part, different. Some like Final Fantasy XII, Crisis Core: FFVII and FFXII: Revenant Wings were addictive and fun. The more off-beat efforts like Final Fantasy Tactics A2 and Chocobo Tales featured solid design and interesting gameplay. All this only makes you question the oddity of Dirge of Cerberus even more. Imagine a Resident Evil 4-style, over the shoulder third-person action game with swords, limit breaks and Vincent Valentine. Now, stop imagining and pretend it’s real. Because with iffy controls, ugly levels and unbalanced gameplay, this mess certainly wasn’t playable. Will venturing into an unproven genre — as is the case with Dissidia: Final Fantasy - spell disaster once more?
Sonic the Hedgehog (Sega)
You can’t have a franchise-whipping feature without mentioning the most whipped franchise of recent times. Sonic the Hedgehog, long story short, was Mario’s rival. He was fast, had loads more attitude than the bloated pipe climber and his games were wicked fun. Sonic had his fair share of failures in the pre-Dreamcast days. Sonic CD, despite it’s excellent quality, was released on the lame-duck Sega-CD and various experimental ventures like Sonic 3D Blast and Sonic R plagued the market. With Sonic Adventure, it appeared that the blazing blue had returned in full form (that didn’t stop Sonic Shuffle from failing — or even sucking, for the matter). Although Sonic Adventure 2 was met with some fair criticism, it still featured some of the best Sonic action around.
Then, Sega decided to stop being nice to it’s fans.
First, there were the ports of both Sonic Adventure 1 and 2 for the Nintendo Gamecube, both rushed and reeking of unaddressed gameplay flaws. Then, the amazingly lame Sonic X cartoon began it’s journey from a unique, deviant little anime in Japan to a kid-friendly, irritating bore the world-over. Sonic Heroes, the first multi-platform next-gen Sonic title, was also released and universally panned for it’s terrible story, monotonous gameplay and Sega’s talent for inventing terrible ‘Blank the Creature’ nobodies into main characters.
Though some signs of hope emerged with Sonic Rush (Nintendo DS), they were as quickly stifled with the multi-platform release of Shadow the Hedgehog, an action/adventure game starring Sonic’s ugly twin Shadow, Sonic Riders and probably the worst Sonic game ever created: Sonic the Hedgehog (Xbox 360, PS3). The latter was not finished, let-alone bug-free,and yet Sega unleashed it on an unsuspecting fanbase. The game was universally rejected and Sega’s credentials with the franchise called into question. And yet, failures like Sonic Rivals and Sonic & Mario at the Olympics kept happening.
You’d think Sonic Team couldn’t possibly disappoint their fans more, but if you’ve seen the details for the new Sonic Unleashed (Xbox 360, PS3), you’d be wrong.
Hungry for more pathetic Sonic culture? Check out the latest of the Archie Comics’ produced Sonic the Hedgehog comic. Shake your head. Bang it against a wall. Buy the next issue. Repeat.
Resident Evil (Capcom)
Resident Evil kick-started the genre of survival horror, a genre where running was as important as dealing lead. Like most franchises, more specifically Capcom ones, Resident Evil saw its share of spin-offs, sequels, side-stories, movies, comics — the list is practically endless. Resident Evil: Survivor marked the company’s attempts to put a light-gun perspective on to gunning zombies down, but House of the Dead this wasn’t.
The sequel, based on the Code Veronica storyline, was even worse, but that didn’t stop the company as Dead Aim, an original title, was developed and quickly flopped. Capcom also experimented in the online arena with RE: Outbreak, but horrible connectivity and boring gameplay scared gamers in a different way. This was one of the franchise’s more disastrous phases, until the company released Resident Evil 4 and all was forgiven.
As bad as some of the games were though, they seemingly paled in comparison to the first Resident Evil movie based vaguely on the events of the first two games in the series. Mila Jovovich as Alice kicked ass, but she’s not known for her acting prowess. None of the actors were as they hammed up their lines (”People like Umbrella think they’re above the law.” Such drama!) and generally dragged the story even deeper into the dirt.
Apocalypse avenged it’s predecessor with tons of action and scenes lifted frame by frame from the games (the beginning cinematic of Code Veronica, for instance) to please fans, but viewers looking for plot were told to go canyon-diving. All enjoyment left the building once more with Extinction, in part because the makers are following their own story, but mostly due to a lacklustre story and a truly far-fetched ending. Despite criticisms, the RE movies have all been financial successes.
A CG movie titled Resident Evil: Degeneration produced by Sony and MGM is slated for release this year. Thankfully, it ties into the main storyline, exploring the adventures of Claire and Leon in the 7 year gap between RE2 and RE4.
Tomb Raider (Eidos Interactive)
“Love or hate her, you just can’t ignore her” — so goes the header for the video game heroine who captivated millions of gamers and pre-pubescent nerds (sometimes, both). Lara Croft was recognised by the Guiness Book of World Records for being the “Most Successful Videogame Heroine” and any new fan to series, thanks to Legend, the Anniversary edition and the upcoming Tomb Raider: Underworld could probably testify to that.
However, the most current three were developed by Crystal Dynamics. Core Design handled the first six games, the first four being the ones to cement the Tomb Raider legacy in the gaming world. So why wasn’t Core employed after the sixth game? Mostly because Angel of Darkness, and the previous Tomb Raider Chronicles, were both commercial and critical disasters that brought a level of hate, unlike any seen to date, against the gaming goddess. How else could gamers react when a game rips of Total Recall and the Matrix with amateurish elan?
Angel of Darkness is also a reminder for another Lara Croft disaster released around the same time: Tomb Raider: The Cradle of Life, starring Angelina Jolie. After the high-hitting action of the first film, whose storyline also left much to be desired, we then got… a man dressed as a woman playing Lara’s stunt double. Big-screen Lara went from seductively bad-ass to just plain nauseating in a heart-beat. Even though Jolie is slated to do a third Tomb Raider film (hurray for trilogies!), the less pout-tastic and comparatively better Karima Adebibe is now the official portrayer of Lara Croft. Another win for Eidos… and sane marketing.
A franchise with nothing but failings… What could it possibly be? The real question, though, is how could it not be…
Army Men (3DO Company)
The Tan, Green, Gray and Blue toy Army Men soldiers are embroiled in war (and, oh, they’re also alive). What follows is a series of twists, turns, betrayals, and about 30+ releases of “Just what the fink were they thinking?”
Besides being probably the most boring concept to ever be translated into a videogame, Army Men went through took its tarnished plastic hide through just about every genre — and successfully adapted every flaw conceivable. 3DO eventually filed for bankruptcy and the franchise was purchased by Crave Entertainment. The poor sales of Major Malfunction, the latest game in the series, mean we probably won’t see another Army Men game for a while, but then, it’s always darkest before dawn. Who knows what the little plastic suckers could be planning next.
Have there been any franchises not stained by failures? Well, besides Kingdom Hearts, there aren’t many. However, it’s important to remember that with quality counts first and brand recognition later when deciding on a new purchase. If there’s one way to discourage the sale of duds, their boycott could be it, no matter how good the intentions of the parent company.
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