by Nike Okami

There comes a time in a game’s existence when it enters the big business phase. It’s the strategy behind products like movies, novels, television shows — give the consumer more of what he wants real quick, while his interest in the game is still ripe. The popularity and sales figures supply brand recognition to each new product arising from it’s progenitor, which translates into a license to print money on behalf of the parent company distributing the rights.

Thus begins the franchise. Several brands like Mario, Dot Hack, Final Fantasy, Resident Evil, Silent Hill and Pokemon are considered franchises as they have movies, anime and toys bearing their brand, besides continuous sequels to their gaming legacies.

However, not everything is all Pikachus and fanfics in the realm of franchises. Even the most hallowed companies have been found guilty of sub-par products made in the name of profit. Some companies like Squaresoft have suffered immense losses due to over-ambitious planning (more below) for their franchises. Let’s take a look at some other titles that paralysed die-hards and collectors with their magnanimous mediocrity.

Mario (Nintendo)

Here’s what happens when Ghost in the Shell and the Mushroom Kingdom get together and make messy, messy love. Nintendo first shot to public shame with the first ever movie adaptation of a game: Super Mario Bros. Witness Yoshi the velociraptor reject from Jurassic Park and Bowser, the humanoid descendant of a reptile. Shudder at the debasement of Bob Hoskins (who was quite verbal in his abuse for the director-producer, husband-wife duo behind this abomination) and John Leguziamo.

Despite a universally lampooned film, Mario’s failings didn’t stop there. Or rather, they barely began. Captain Lou Albano’s rendition of Mario in the 65-episode run of the Super Mario Bros. Show was chock full of guest stars and complete, non-humorous buffoonery. Super Mario World didn’t fair any better, with a limited release and an even more limited appeal due to the multitude of changes made in enemy names and classic Mario staples.

Nintendo’s Mario games, normally appreciated for their accessible yet challenging gameplay, have also borne several black sheep over the past two decades. Mario is Missing! (SNES) introduced the SNES mouse and made Luigi a main character in this mystery/educational title. The lack of fun gameplay came back to haunt the green brotha’ as he starred in the laughably short Luigi’s Mansion (Gamecube).

Understandably, he hasn’t had a starring role since. Mario also faced a lot of flak for Super Mario Sunshine and it’s lack of any revolutionary features, though purists appreciated it for being the first true Mario game since Mario 64. There was also the Virtual Boy release Mario Crash, that failed simply because of a bad platform and lack of a save feature.

Mario may have his share of failures but nothing could propel him into gaming parody as much as the next failure…

The Legend of Zelda (Nintendo)

Captain Lou strikes again. As a segment on the Super Mario Bros. Show, The Legend of Zelda TV series featured Link and Zelda as they protected Hyrule against Ganon. However, the first warning bell rings when you see what Link looks like. The second rings when you hear him talk. And by the time you hear his hippy, “Excuuuuuuuse me, Princess!” upon Zelda refusing to “reward” him for his heroics, everything’s already shot to Hell. Bad writing and poor voice acting that capture none of the nuance made famous by Link and Zelda gave this show an even shorter run than Captain Lou (13 episodes) and a permanent parody of Hyrule’s biggest annoyance since Tinkle.

The debasement didn’t stop there. Nintendo outsourced production to Philips for making three Legend of Zelda games for the infamous CD-i platform, with two of those games having Zelda as the main character.

Sadly, they either forgot to hire competent development teams or the fact that a Zelda game featuring live-action actors in FMVs can’t possibly be entertaining. Perhaps, both. Nintendo has since exorcised these abysmal efforts from the main Zelda canon, even refusing to acknowledge that the CD-i games ever existed. That hasn’t stopped haters from remixing voices from these games for their own creative purposes.

Panzer Dragoon (Sega)

Besides the awful handheld games Sega produced, there was one disaster that thankfully evades most mainstream consumers today — the Panzer Dragoon anime.

Remember that snazzy opening scene from the first Panzer Dragoon? Now, take that, wrap it up with a half-wit hero and his retarded, blind LADY, throw in some good dragoons and bad dragoons, and you have the equivalent of a car wreck between Lair and every single anime cliché ever.

Whatever needs to happen does: Hero needs to save girlfriend. Dragoon with tentacles (no joke) assimilates her into it’s body. Hero takes help of blue dragoon to save her while pummeling dozens of poorly rendered polygonal capital ships in canyon trench runs (like Star Wars, only bad). Black dragoon - you know he’s bad because he’s colored black - activates doomsday device. Hero must now save world. Hero proceeds to save world. Everyone happy.

The credits name Production I.G. (makers of the Academy Award-winning Spirited Away) as the animation studio. The dripping sound coming from your ears are dead brain cells that were unable to endure any more of this drivel.

Mercifully for the Japanese anime industry, the Panzer Dragoon anime is only in English, but that only tells us who else is at risk — Everyone. If this was truly meant to promote the series, no wonder the gaming industry hasn’t seen a new title since Panzer Dragoon Orta.

Devil May Cry (Capcom)

Capcom holds the largest number of franchises in the gaming industry. However, that also means they hold the largest number of quality-questionable products. Take probably their most recent franchise (officially seven years old with the fourth iteration released earlier this year), Devil May Cry (Playstation 2).

Capcom gave action gamers everything they could ask for with unbelievable, addictive action and a flamboyant hero. And they just as quickly took it away in Devil May Cry 2 when Dante was reduced to a manic depressive Bruce Willis and level design was told to get off at the last stop before Dulls-ville. They quickly realised their mistake and amended everything with DMC3: Dante’s Awakening. The story of DMC2 as of yet has not been continued, but Capcom’s errors did.

Late last year, a Devil May Cry anime, proclaiming itself to be the sequel to DMC1 but taking place before the events of DMC4 came around, and featured the gun-blazing demon slayer as a lazy baby-sitter who always got the short end of the stick financially.

Not only does he deal with cases through an ordinary Joe, but takes care of a young orphan named Pattie (cue intended humour bits). The series could have easily been dubbed “What Dante Does When NOT Saving the World in Style”, as plots spiraled into such drab fests as hunting for a demon biker, hunting a demon poker player, hunting a women’s demon love…you probably get the picture already. What good is an anime adaptation of a game when you can satisfy neither gaming nor anime fans? “Stylish”? Hardly.

Castlevania (Konami)

Normally, Konami doesn’t take its franchises lightly, and avoids the mass franchising approach other companies take. However, if Metal Gear can be bastardised (see Snake’s Revenge for the NES), then Castlevania can’t be far behind.

The shame started with the late 80’s video game based show, Captain N: The Game Master, where, as part of a team of other video game characters like Mega Man and Kid Icarus, Simon Belmont had to protect one Princess Lana. Now, take a look at the picture provided and envision every single version of Simon Belmont to date. This pretty boy Simon may have been womanising, arrogant and a Grade-A dim-wit, but Alucard, the ever-loving son of Dracula, appeared as a extreme skate-boarding punk. Nice.

Castlevania 64 (Nintendo 64) was lauded upon release for being a good 3D action game, but it’s aged terribly and is now considered by most as a classic example for why all Castlevania games are better off in 2D. Castlevania: Harmony of Dissonance (Game Boy Advance) also came under fire for castrating the series trademark for amazing music and being too easy, but fortunately, the gameplay held up in the end.

Join us next time for part 2 of this edition where we look at the failings of Final Fantasy, Resident Evil and more, along with a gaming franchise that’s seen nothing but mediocre releases since it’s conception. The nightmare isn’t over by a long shot.